The US Department of Agriculture claims America is at risk of a food disaster. “But hasn’t it already happened?”, said everyone whose tried the new Turkey Whopper
Gov. Chris Christie underwent weight-loss surgery, experts say, if another hurricane were to hit, there would be nothing to stop New Jersey from blowing away.
A hiker in France was eaten by vultures in less than 45 minutes. In a related story, the Guinness official timing the vultures has been arrested
Google announced that they will charge a monthly fee for premium YouTube channels. Google promises it’ll still be cheaper than actually owning a cat.
A new study shows poor Americans are the most likely demographic to go without prescription drugs. “Not true!” said a trailer park full of oxyContin users.
A new study reveals, when It comes to pubic hair, 15% of men prefer their woman to have a heart shaped wax job, the other 85% of men didn’t realize pube stencils were a serious option.
A Georgia man broke the world record for breaking the most eggs with his head, meanwhile in Africa, the struggle for basic survival continues.
Geneticists announced they have figured out how to prolong the life of yeast by 800 years, and say the method could work for humans. Giving way to the possibility for an 800 year long yeast infection.
Thieves in Berlin made away with 5.5 metric tons of Nutella. Said one thief to the other, How are we going to “spread” this wealth?
Jenna Jamison was arrested for battery after causing thousands of men to beat themselves throughout the 90’s.
A new study shows cholesterol-lowering drugs could help fight blindness, of course that just the blindness that’s caused by eyelids so fat you can’t open them.
More cars were sold in March than any month in the past six years. Which either means the economy is recovering or Jay Lenno went shopping.
Lindsay Lohan was photographed revealing a large portion of sideboob finally giving an answer to what Kim Jong Un is looking at through those binoculars.
A Georgia town’s new law states every home MUST have a gun. Which goes great with that NRA slogan “Every Gun needs a home!”
A Strange giant red arc in the sky was detected over Europe, which scientists say is evidence for geomagnetic storms, although most americans agree, it’s just the tip of gods penis.
A coupon tracking organization reports that paper coupons could become a thing of the past! “we’ll still use em”! Said a bunch of floppy disks.
Experts are forecasting a mean allergy season, which will be worse than last years snarky allergy season.
North Carolina is attempting to push a Bill through legislation that will declare an official state religion, so they can be Just like Afghanistan!
Roger Ebert announces a reoccurrence of cancer, Yes Ashton Kutcher was cast in another film.
McDonald’s is now offering a healthier option, the egg white McMuffin. Not only is it healthier, it also comes with all sorts of socio-economic benefits.
A new study of early human skulls suggests that inbreeding was common amongst early man. According to the study, caveman all had really hot cousins.
A new study reveals 1 in 3 seniors are dying with dementia finally giving an explanation to the success of CBS television.
Burger King is now offering a turkey burger as prophesiesed in the book of Revelations.
A Taiwanese woman’s reason in court for divorcing her husband was a small penis. The man said yes, he thought it was odd his wife had a small penis.
A drive-by shooting injured 11 people in Washington DC. The gunman can only be identified as a man with an accurate yet slightly off aim.
A new study shows a large portion of the LGBT community is made of of immigrants. Not to say all immigrants are gay, the study simply points out, most immigrants are gay.
It was reported that aspirin can lower the risk of skin cancer by 20%. Critics of the study complain while that might be true, this pill still doesn’t give us boners.
A group of US sailors were exposed to a radiation leak only perpetuating the stereotype that sailors need to use protection.
In pope news, the conclave has begun which means it’s only a matter of time before the catholic church stays exactly the same.
A New York judge vetoed the NYC large soda ban, The judge swears it has nothing to do with his past relationship with a big gulp lobbyist.
Sarah Palin announced she is authoring another book, although you might not recognize it on bookshelves as she is using her author pseudonym, Wolf Pussy.
Sources in the private space industry claim a manned mission to Mars is only five years away. “Not soon enough” said the family of Lance Bass.
Dennis Rodman took a trip to North Korea where he met with Kim Jong une ruining the surprise plot of Rush Hour 4.
Astronomers have discovered a new comet that is likely to hit Mars in 2014. which just goes to show you, if it can happen to mars it can happen to Chris Christy.
A team of researchers from the UK claim beer goggles are a myth, or at least that’s what they keep telling themselves. (They’re ugly)
In an interview with NBC, Jeb Bush made it clear he intends to run for president in 2016. But the real question is, are americans willing to elect a man with no neck.
The Huffington Post released info on how to retire on $700 a month. By this definition, TwigNut the bum outside my Walgreens isn’t homeless, he’s retired.
It was discovered that horse meat is found in IKEA’s Swedish meatballs, and in an ironic twist, it was discovered the person who writes directions for assembling IKEA furniture is also a horse.
Daniel Day-Lewis broke a record for receiving the most best actor Oscars. Day-Lewis kept his reputation intact by accepting the award in character as a loaf of bread.
Warren Buffett reportedly sent an urgent message to the food industry asking everyone to “please make food softer, I’m old”
An Ohio woman was sent to prison for duct taping her two children’s faces shut, although everybody in the restaurant appreciated the gesture.
President Obama played a round of golf with Tiger Woods setting a record for the most ethnicity a golf corse has ever seen.
A new study by the Wall-street Journal reports a bleak future for retirees. It turns out they all die.
According to a medical survey more than 11 million americans are living with cancer. Although, over half of those people are referring to their wives.
Olympic athlete Oscar Pastrorious has changed is nickname from “Bladerunner” to “Big Louie’s legless fuck hole in cell block D”
The Huffington post shared a link of a list of six things you didn’t know about John Travolta . After clicking the link, the internet directs you to a page offering detailed instruction on how to end your sad miserable existence.
A Florida man was accused of throwing his ex wife off a cruise ship. In the man’s defense, she’s dead and in light of recent cruise events, definitely in a better place.
According to a restaurant in Japan, dirt could be the next hot food trend. “No, we already tried that” said a bunch of starving African children.
The groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil predicted we are going to have an early spring. Even more amazing, not one person during the entire ground hog ceremony exclaimed, “what the fuck are we doing”?
A poll showed 27 percent of people believed god was involved in the outcome of the Super Bowl. Because obviously God is from Baltimore.
The U.S. Postal Service announced it will end Saturday deliveries, which reminded many americans they indeed have a mailbox.
There are roomers in washington of Ashly Judd being a candidate for Senate. Apparently the new strategy for the DNC is asking the important question “would this work on TBS?”
The Canadian mint has stopped producing the Canadian penny. Give a penny take a penny trays have been replaced with free gum.
The Huffington Post released a list of six ways to get rid of headaches forever. Step 1, quit reading the Huffington post
Fidel Castro made his first public appearance in three years. He was quoted saying, Oh I came out for this, it’s not everyday you can get hot-wings at McDonalds.
Internet conspiracy theorists claim Beyoncé flashed the illuminati symbol during her halftime performance which can only mean one thing… The Superbowl, a Novel by Dan Brown, coming soon.
Chris Brown reportedly punched Frank Ocean in the face. Apparently the two were arguing over who had the whitest first name.
Scientists claim they have invented a Star Trek like tractor beam that could tow objects in space. And everyone dyeing of cancer is really impressed with this technology.
Harvard Medical School is searching for an adventurous woman to give birth to a Neanderthal. Been there done that said Donald Trumps Mom
Destinies child will reunite for the super bowl half time show. It has been confirmed that everyone in attendance is indeed “ready for this jelly”.
JJ Abrams was chosen to direct the new Disney Star Wars movie with the agreement that the end of the film must actually make coherent sense.
A top expert says antibiotic resistant diseases pose an apocalyptic threat. “BORING” said Michael Bay.
It was reported that some texas public schools are teaching the biblical “end times”. Texas science teaches say all the signs are here, Oil beds drying, diseases, a black guy in the white house.
Ben & Jerry’s ice cream announced it will name a flavor to commemorate the popular tv show 30 rock. Meanwhile Edie’s Ice cream is content with their top seller, 60 Minutes of fudge.