Thicker Than Water

Come along with the guys on this week’s trip to the internet. Kyle cut’s off his legs to survive! Jimmie call’s his mom! Old Kirk and New Kirk make love to each other! Business as usual on Static in the Attic. LISTEN ONLINE

Last Week’s Trash

The new Great Gatsby film was highly criticized for relying heavily on stunning visuals, and lacking in story. Said one film critic, “Gatsby never had a flying iron suit!” 

An outspoken Japanese Mayor claims the forced prostitution of Asian women during World War II was necessary. “Not only did it keep soldiers happy”, he said, “but it also gave my mom a job”. 

A Georgia man claims to have found the top secret Coca-Cola recipe under an antique piece of furniture. After carefully following the instructions, the man ended up with a new antique piece of furniture. 

A new CPR technique brought a man back to life that had been clinically dead for 40 minutes. According to the man, there are no burger kings in heaven. 

One of the largest Mayan pyramids in Belize was destroyed by a bulldozer to extract rock for a highway project, when asked for comment, the construction company said, “but building this highway will make it much easier for tourists to go visit the Pyram… Oh.”

Note From My Fridge

Guys,

I don’t mean to alarm you, but if you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. I’ve headed out to the grocery store as it’s my turn to buy eggs and TP, and after the events of last night, we’re out of both. Lets agree to never do a greasiest omelet contest ever again. You win Trevor, you win you son of a bitch.

On my way to the grocery store I will likely encounter our three local homeless people. Unable to resist their street charm, I’ll deposit a shame token in each one of their Big Gulp collector cups. The one called “Socks” , will likely offer his usual dollar piggyback ride down the block, a steal when your stomach is still turning from Trevor’s four onion, jalapeño laced devil omelet. I’ll climb aboard and with a kick of my heal, off Socks will go! I’ll forget all my worldly troubles with the cool breeze in my hair, and Sock’s meth grip on my thigh as we gallup down State Street.

Socks will ask for a tip and I’ll scratch him behind the ears as I realize the money I’ve spent on him was for eggs and TP. With rent being due, and the rest of my wart removal lawsuit money tied up in GNC protein powder, I will realize I too must ask strangers for money. The remaining two dollars in my wallet will immediately be spent on the sickest, most awesome wrestlemania collectors Big Gulp available at 7 Eleven.

There I’ll sit for the rest of the day watching the superior begging skills of Socks, DJ Cheeze, and Twignut collect all the money, while the rest of Chicago snubs me over and over again. At sundown the four of us will go to McDonald’s where I will buy them dinner with my Visa in exchange for safe passage into a meth den, crack house or any other damp bum netherworld.

Dinner will be filled with enlightening discussions of Sartre and Niche. Twignut will make a convincing case that he is the second coming of Joseph Stalin, while DJ Cheeze will piece together how MTV was solely responsible for 9-11. I’ll explain why the correct order to watch Star Wars is 4,5,1,2,3,6, and they will accept me into their bum collective. We’ll pass the crack pipe and laugh of our brilliance living outside the harsh parameters of society.

Having never smoked crack, I’ll be having the time of my life, feeling more jacked up and paranoid than the time I stole and ate an entire 4th grade class’s supply of fun dip! I’ll take to Lower Wacker Drive like a bum king, stealing sleeping alcoves next to building vents, crushing day old bagels between my teeth because I haven’t lost em yet„ defecating in the most primo corners, and wondering around CVS smelling pretty girls! BUM KINGIN IT.

So if you’re reading this note, and I never returned with eggs and TP, It’s fair to say the Jim you know is dead. I’m now probably called Cherry Bomb. Forget about me and move on. None of this would happen if Trevor’s omelet didn’t mess with my stomach so hard. Damn you Trevor, you perverted little egg assassin. No one should have to use that much TP in one morning. Damn you for possibly forcing me into this new soap-free lifestyle that I can’t help but love so much. We’re also out of hot sauce. I’ll pick some up and add it to the group spread sheet. Suck it Trevor.

For more Notes From Jim’s Fridge, click this sentence. 

Surrender Dorothy!

This week Kyle and I debut a new segment called Internet Litter Box Treasures. This week’s episode also features a highly controversial debate over silverware as Jimmie and Kyle answer listener submitted hypothetical questions. Tempers will rise and allegations will sore on Static in the Attic! Listen Online!

Last Week’s Trash

The US Department of Agriculture claims America is at risk of a food disaster. “But hasn’t it already happened?”, said everyone whose tried the new Turkey Whopper 

Gov. Chris Christie underwent weight-loss surgery, experts say, if another hurricane were to hit, there would be nothing to stop New Jersey from blowing away. 

A hiker in France was eaten by vultures in less than 45 minutes. In a related story, the Guinness official timing the vultures has been arrested

Google announced that they will charge a monthly fee for premium YouTube channels. Google promises it’ll still be cheaper than actually owning a cat.   

Five Questions

What are the 5 questions you would ask an all knowing all powerful god wizard thingamadoo? This week we go face to face with the mouth piece of the universe and attempt to ask our top 5. Also on the show, the nerd war continues with a revival of Death Is Not An Option! Listen Online

Last Week’s Trash

Scientists say early earth’s atmosphere was full of fossil fuels and sulfur, which made the earth smell like rotten eggs. That’s two things early earth has in common with Axe body spray. 

A new beard study shows having heavy stubble makes men more attractive, however women with heavy stubble are still encouraged to join the circus. 

An NBA player was the first professional team sport athlete in US history to come out as gay. Meanwhile men’s figure skating continues to be dominated by homophobes  

An ESPN Reporter was quoted saying being gay is an “open rebellion to God” followed by him coughing up an actual piece of poop. 

In celebrity news, Catherine Zeta Jones is in treatment for bipolar disorder, explaining why one minute she’s up and the next she’s Catherine Zeta Jones

Arm lifts are the newest fasted growing plastic surgery trend right behind the always popular triple nipple bypass..   Rich people have fat arms. 

Entrepreneur Magazine has trademarked the word entrepreneur and is now suing some businesses that use the word, which you have to admit, is sort of entrepreneurial.

Stuck on the Rock

What if you were the last lonely soul wondering planet earth so far into eternity that earth itself ceased to be via a large astroid or other world ending scenario, and then you, being the immortal Highlander type that you are is now just stuck floating int space where Earth once was? Find out on this week’s episode of Static in the Attic. Listen online!

Internet Milk

This week’s show is nice and short, so if you haven’t given Static in the Attic a listen, this is a gentle way to get your ears penetrated by 2 guys at the same time. Listen Online